Wer ich war, wer ich bin, wer ich sein werde. Warum lande ich immer in der Iteration der Realitat?


First of all, I have no intention to reveal many things on this site. This is not because I am afraid of family or friends finding out about the crap I discuss about them on here -- sometimes I even wish that would happen so they would realize how I struggle. Instead, this is because my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, are sometimes too innapropriate (not just my sexual relveries, but my violent thoughts as well. However, doesn't everyone feel a little psychopathic from time to time?) for the general public and will not paint me in a good light. This is why I will also stay completely anonymous. I wish to keep track of some thoughts, poetry, and other forms of expression in my writing. I hope it is enjoyed by whoever views this site, and whenever, and however. 3/13/2023
I am currently lying in my mattress on the floor, taking hits off of the Pineapple Coconut Ice Elf Bar. I have many tabs open on my school laptop; five of which contain items I am shopping for. I am wanting to go to two concerts -- The Cure and My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. Although I wouldn't consider them my favorites right now, they are certaintly interesting bands with some great songs. The other tabs are Youtube, as I am listening to an Effy Stonem Playlist; AO3; and this stupid site. Speaking of Effy, I've been watching Skins lately. I am only on episode two of the first season and it is just okay. I definitely feel like it is getting better, however. I thought Cassie was annoying at first, but her character has become more relatable after watching the episode 'self-titled'. Even though Effy has only been shown for a second, I got into the show because of stupid social media edits of her. She seems very badass, like a girl I would date. Her style is totally rocker, too. I aspire to be like her, minus the fucking depression and reliance on drugs. Sure I like to smoke and drink, but it is not something to which I base my whole personality on unlike many of the girls at school. They will turn anything they like, even something they are born with, into their whole character. I, unlike them, have depth and am not shallow. I hope Effy's character is the same way.

My mom bought me tickets to one of my favorite bands right now: KMFDM. I am really excited to go, especially because my friend is the one going with me. If she bails, however, -- something she always does because she's sick or her parents won't let her go out -- I will be so fucking pissed. No other friend of mine is into the band, and I just want to get stoned and have some fun with someone. With or without her will be fun though, I guess. I mean, I was supposed to hang out with her and my other friend today but, nope! Shit came up and they leave me alone yet again. Anyway, I am listening to Mindless Self Indulgence. I used to be into them, then came the alternative TikTokers, then a few years passed... and here I am. Niggas want the ruckus? Yo bust it at me son, now BUST IT! I honestly don't give a fuck that they are controversial because they say the "N-word". I mean, I get it if Black people would be offended, but it's always the white teenagers who would start the BLM protests and 'cancel' this band from like 15 years ago. ANYYYWAY... I have also been listening to Mayhem. Their story is so interesting! And the Dawn of the Black Hearts album cover is dope as shiiit! Rest in Peace Pelle, you were super fucking hot. I feel like a man in the sense that, if I see a hot chick or dude, I think about ramming the shit outta 'em. How lovely it would feel to destroy their hole, making them cum for me. Sucking their soul out! Making them lose all control of everything for me (That's what I did with my ex! God, I still remember the day like it was yesterday -- we were both naked on the bed after a horrible day out with his friends. He held my head down on his dick and I swear I almost died. He kept on calling me a good girl and it was so nice to slurp his seed in my mouth. Aah, virgin boys. The best kind of men to exist. Ruining innocent, unskilled men!)